i can't really believe in the things i say i believe. i cannot really believe in the power of prayer. there isn't any way i belive in the veracity of scripture. and it cannot be that i truly believe in God.
that isn't what i do. i believe in the power of my own intellect. by the way i live, you'd know for sure i am my own law. i follow my own deceitful and wicked heart, believing passionately that it knows all truth. nothing phases me because i know all, and i seek control over all.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determines its measurements- surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
when the morning stars sang together
and all the sons of God shouted for joy?" (job 38:4-7)
"SHALL A FAULTFINDER CONTEND WITH THE ALMIGHTY? HE WHO ARGUES WITH GOD, LET HIM ANSWER IT." (job 40:2)
let me answer like job. "what shall i answer? i lay my hand on my mouth." (job 40:4)
how dare i usurp God? seriously. what fooled me into thinking i could handle all this myself? yet He has picked me up from my sadness and shown me a new and better way.
it floors me that Jesus ardently loves me, and has given me everything i need for life and godliness. if i were Him, i would have struck me down with some bolt of lightning long ago. "what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You care for him?" (ps. 8:4) of what possible use can i be to You, God? You are so much more powerful than me. i am so honored, and i want to live like it. i'm tired of being so two-faced. i am so sorry, Father. give me grace to love You more.
