my realism is looking suspiciously like pessimism these days.
GROWING UP IS HARD.
i wish i could write about my thoughts and my longings in eloquent words that would help people really understand my deepest me, but i just write like i think. i suppose it would be dishonest to present myself any other way. and really, i am uncomfortable with attention to that degree. and really, no one reads this. it's just my way of being cathartic.
honestly, i think of myself as a patient person. i find patience where other people wouldn't think to look. i can deal with the people most people can't stand. but when it comes to my own life, i am finding it increasingly difficult to wait to see what happens next.
i have had some good experiences in my adult life. adult life, here meaning the years after high school. so for the past three years. it seems SO so so much longer than that. i have gone to Bible school in so-cal and in austria. i have travelled all over europe. i have worked a bunch of jobs. i have become involved in youth ministry, and grown to love it.
but i have also, in my opinion, lacked some important good experiences that most people my age have already had, such as moving out, owning a car, being in an adult relationship (not that i'm looking, just pointing it out), paying rent - things like that. shoot, most people my age are about to start their senior year of college! and because i did things a little differently, it'll be awhile longer before i see a bachelor's. or even an associate's.
here's the thing. i trust God. i do! i mean, it would be utterly stupid not to. i understand with my brains that God's got it covered, that it's silly and a waste of energy to worry. He sees things from end to end, without the restraint of time, and i can only see my here and now. and however depressing i think it is, God put me right here RIGHT NOW so i can bring Him the maximum glory. and clearly, i am missing the ways and means.
one of my favorite quotes is by jim elliot in a letter to his wife. in it he writes: "What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though he robbed me - of things that are not. ...Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."
oh Lord! my faith is so small. my understanding is so limited. i am sick of being in my head and hearing my thoughts, Father. You HAVE to be IT. You have to be the everything. my life is stupid and awful without You. move me where You're moved, Lord. use me somewhere. pour Your love straight through me. i know it is not about me. it can't be.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
through gates of splendor
"Cause and effect are in God's hands. Is it not the part of faith simply to let them rest there? God is God. I dethrone Him in my heart if I demand that He act in ways that satisfy my idea of justice."
"God is God. If He is God, He is worthy of my worship and my service. I will find rest nowhere but in His will, and that will is infinitely, immeasurably, unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to."
-Elisabeth Elliot
Through Gates of Splendor
this woman amazes me. i have read a couple of her books, and she is just so selflessly realistic. this book tells the story of her husband jim elliot, and how he was a missonary in south america, and the natives he was working with killed him. elisabeth herself went back to that very same country and began a life of ministry to the very same people group who murdered her husband. i mean, who does that? who is a big enough person to put self aside, not to mention a terribly broken heart, and do ministry like that? but she is forever pointing back to God, and drawing strength from Him.
she is my hero (or my she-ro :) ). i want to have the same knowledge of God's sovereignty, and the same depth of trust in His grace.
"God is God. If He is God, He is worthy of my worship and my service. I will find rest nowhere but in His will, and that will is infinitely, immeasurably, unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to."
-Elisabeth Elliot
Through Gates of Splendor
this woman amazes me. i have read a couple of her books, and she is just so selflessly realistic. this book tells the story of her husband jim elliot, and how he was a missonary in south america, and the natives he was working with killed him. elisabeth herself went back to that very same country and began a life of ministry to the very same people group who murdered her husband. i mean, who does that? who is a big enough person to put self aside, not to mention a terribly broken heart, and do ministry like that? but she is forever pointing back to God, and drawing strength from Him.
she is my hero (or my she-ro :) ). i want to have the same knowledge of God's sovereignty, and the same depth of trust in His grace.
american food withdrawls
i was reading through my tauernhof journal last night, which made me more than a little nostalgic and emotional, and i found this funny entry.
it was mid-november, and we were having a fast that day.
things i wish i could eat right now:
1. popcorn
2. elk steak
3. payday
4. chai tea latte
5. yukon gold potatoes
6. chicken of any kind
7. olive garden breadsticks
8. steak, period
9. oreos with peanut butter
10. yep, steak sounds really good.
it was mid-november, and we were having a fast that day.
things i wish i could eat right now:
1. popcorn
2. elk steak
3. payday
4. chai tea latte
5. yukon gold potatoes
6. chicken of any kind
7. olive garden breadsticks
8. steak, period
9. oreos with peanut butter
10. yep, steak sounds really good.
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