my hope is built

i sometimes awaken to realize that i have been building my hope on things other than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

and then somehow, i can't figure out what happened when things go wrong.

o me of little faith!

LORD, save me from myself.

i am tired.

OF:

- sitting looking at my computer screen
- reading this heretical textbook
- trying to focus
- staying up too too too too too late too consistently
- missing out on hanging out
- having to cut short good talks because i'm going to be up all night as it is
- suuuuuper OD-ing on caffeine... today: 1 cup of coffee, 1 rockstar, 1 doubleshot latte, 1 cup of tea... and that's less than yesterday
- sitting sitting sitting sitting AHHHhhhhhhhh
- checking the page count
- procrastinating, and how guilty i feel because of it
- having short times with the Lord
- being ineffective in relationships because of my exhaustion
- being short-fused paired with the malfunctioning filter on my mouth

HOW MUCH COMPLAINING I HEAR COMING OUT MY MOUTH

spring term is kicking my butt.

kay. i'm lacking perseverance. i feel the weight of the work i have yet to do before this term ends (in 1.5 weeks.....!!!!), but i am too afraid of it to get near it. can't tell you how much wonderful hanging-out i've been doing these past days, totally loving the time spent there, but with a double motivation - 1: seeing my dear friends, old and new; 2: avoiding the very daunting task of finishing what i've begun. rather ignoring it in hopes it will go away.

...it is not working.

here is a list of things i am jumping-out-of-my-skin-excited to do when spring term bites the dust:

1. house-sit (try out independence for 2.5 weeks)
- sit in a quiet house alone
- have ample space to think
- try out cooking for myself
- have company over like a grown-up
2. finish jane eyre
3. lie on the floor with my eyes closed and listen to my new bon iver album
4. go running. frequently.
5. watch my x men movies i've received in the mail
6. deep-clean my bedroom
7. intentionally and intensively plan my going-ahead plans
8. journal extensively
9. go on coffee dates and walks with the Lord
10. wake up early because i want to, not because i have to

but in the meantime, i resolve to search out the beauty in each day and not just wish them away. "this too shall pass" and all that.

be still my soul

be still my soul
the Lord is on your side
bear patiently
the cross of grief or pain
leave to your God
to order and provide
in every change
He will remain

be still my soul
your God will undertake
to guide the future
as in ages past
your hope your might
your will will nothing shake
all now mysterious
shall be bright

be still my soul
the hour is hastening on
when we shall be
forever with the Lord
when disappointment
grief, and fear are gone
sorrows forgot
love's joys restored

be still my soul

praise Him, praise Him

to travel.

i love don miller.

this is true:
"everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back again so they can love it again for all new reasons." - through painted deserts.

this, i think, is why i resonate with don miller. he speaks in riffs and choppy phrases, which concisely fit my though patterns.

i love to travel. and i frequently need to leave - to get away from the staleness of my everyday. it's almost painful to go back, and the LORD has even given me tears over it (praise Him.) i needed this week in the midwest with the morgans almost as much as i need to eat food. it's a different sort of food, travel. food for my soul.

and now i sit in an airplane (this tiny box with wings and motors...miracles!), listening to bon iver and death cab and just enjoying this familiarity and freedom. i feel independent when i travel, and i therefore find it addicting. i ache for change.