going.

i have so many mixed feelings about california right now. i feel the need to make a pros and cons list.

GOOD THINGS ABOUT MOVING:
- ad ven ture.
- excitement
- new places to see
- brand new friends
- awesome church camp
-like atmosphere of for-real christians
- independence
- freedom
- test of faith
- huuuuuuge growing experience
- new people to learn from
- i get to pump my own gas
- exploration of this beautiful world

BAD THINGS ABOUT MOVING:
- away from family
- strrrrretch of friendships
- NO familiarity
- no portland :(
- lots of money for airfare...and sales tax
- no car
- adjustments beyond all reason
- sadness
- must be entirely self-sufficient
- what if i forget stuff???!!
- basically estrangement in general

but then, there are bad things about not going, too. i would probably miss out on the growing experience of my lifetime, miss out on people i could have met, maybe even the ONE i'm supposed to meet, miss out on ever so much lost adventure, and miss out on that wonderful Jesus-focused atmosphere.

my mom told me the other day that all the other kids at master's are going to be going through the same things as me- coming from far away, moving out for the first time, having to start anew, just like me.

and God will be with me. i know i won't be alone. i'm just scared to be by myself. california is a big place.

i think above most things i'm afraid to lose friends. now, don't just automatically scold me and say that true friends never lose touch blah blah blah. i know that distance tests all things, i think that's one of the reasons why Jesus isn't still here walking around with us. the distance we percieve to be there tests our faith and belief. anyway, long distance is extraordinarily difficult no matter how you slice it. i understand i have myspace and facebook and email and snail mail and the telephone, but i do not like to communicate like that, and that's nobody else's first choice, either.

oh God, this is going to be so hard.

Jesus, i know that if this is where You want me to go, You're going to help me through it the whole way and not strand me 20 hours away from home.

oh Lord, everything i know is coming to and end. i am so terrified, God. i want to go. You've given me a desire to get out and to LEAVE, but i am going to miss my home so much, i'm crying just thinking about it.

every time i think about college and leaving and being alone, God brings to my mind this verse:
"peace i leave with you; my peace i give you. i do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - john 14:27

i know You have not given me more than i can handle, so Jesus, i am trusting this entirely to You. i cannot worry about this anymore. i want to be excited for this new phase in my life, and to be excited for my faith and my self-confidence to grow. i know You will give me peace if this is something i'm to do.