dandelions

sometimes i do not understand. what use am i to God? to my family? to my dearest friends? to the fellow human walking down the street? Jesus, i mess up. i do a lot of stupid things, and say a lot of things that disgrace Your precious name. i know You already know this, but i want You to know that i am aware of it, too. i am so ashamed, dear Father. i do not understand Your grace and Your planning, though i am forever and ever grateful.

i wish i could be so much more for You. i wish i could be eloquent, and say beautiful things in lovely and creative ways that make people stop and really truly think about thier lives and about You and what doesn't match up. You've given me conviction, so much that i don't know what to do with it, but i'm so weak with my speech and in my timing, and i fail You so often. would You please guide me as i talk? i long to be effective, but i feel like i'm talking into the wind, and nobody hears, or if they do, then it wasn't said in a way that truly struck a chord in their very being.

but God, i know that You can even use my weakness and my discomfort and my inconsistencies for good, and i ask that You transform my awkwardness into Your love. i want to radiate it. i don't want it to be about me.