this blog is dumb.
i'm always caught between being super honest on here, and being discreet, since it is the world wide web. that's a little daunting.
so rarely do i say things that i would say if you were my true friend.
so why do i have this blog? perhaps i will delete it.
it's dumb.
in other news, i love austria.
however, i am SO TORN. i want to be here, and i want deeply to be home. but is that me being in love with comfort? i don't know. homesickness is a blessing i've decided - it proves what a wonderful home i have. and i'm so thankful.
gotta go. the internet's gonna shut off.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
unnecessary.
can i just tell you...
i do not like it when christians pray and ask the Holy Spirit to come...and to fill them...and to fill the place they're in...
it is completely unnecessary.
and a little ungrateful! i mean, HE'S ALREADY DONE THAT! and He's doing it! and He'll continue to do it!
how much more can you be filled when you are full?!
the Holy Spirit does not up and leave. He just does not do that.
stop asking Him to do what He's already doing.
i do not like it when christians pray and ask the Holy Spirit to come...and to fill them...and to fill the place they're in...
it is completely unnecessary.
and a little ungrateful! i mean, HE'S ALREADY DONE THAT! and He's doing it! and He'll continue to do it!
how much more can you be filled when you are full?!
the Holy Spirit does not up and leave. He just does not do that.
stop asking Him to do what He's already doing.
Friday, August 21, 2009
eastward bound soon
the skies were busy today.
i went on a run this glorious day, and i must have seen close to ten planes in the sky. not that that fact is particularly fascinating. but what was fascinating is that every one of those planes was flying eastward.
it was kind of like ironic foreshadowing, because that is the same direction i will be flying in approximately eleven days.
ELEVEN DAYS!!!!!! holy moly. it seems not so long ago that this trip was just a dream in my heart, a thing i thought for sure i'd never feasibly be able to do.
also while i was on my run, which was more like a walk since i'm very tired, i crunched the first fallen leaf. ahh! of course i have no way of knowing if that particular leaf was the very first fallen leaf in this hemisphere, but it had to be among the first at least.
two weeks from tonight i will be sleeping in a home off the southeastern coast of england, dreaming of the next days spent in london. this is crazy. really crazy. and you know, even though all of the money has not come yet, i know it will. God is all over this trip in front and behind, and i know that He will provide. i know He will. He is a good God, and He delights in giving good gifts to His children.
so, whomever you are, i deeply covet your prayers. i sincerely doubt anybody on the planet reads this blog, which is okay with me, but if somebody happens across it, please pray for me. PLEASE. i'll try to keep this updated i suppose. gotta have something for posterity or whatever.
i went on a run this glorious day, and i must have seen close to ten planes in the sky. not that that fact is particularly fascinating. but what was fascinating is that every one of those planes was flying eastward.
it was kind of like ironic foreshadowing, because that is the same direction i will be flying in approximately eleven days.
ELEVEN DAYS!!!!!! holy moly. it seems not so long ago that this trip was just a dream in my heart, a thing i thought for sure i'd never feasibly be able to do.
also while i was on my run, which was more like a walk since i'm very tired, i crunched the first fallen leaf. ahh! of course i have no way of knowing if that particular leaf was the very first fallen leaf in this hemisphere, but it had to be among the first at least.
two weeks from tonight i will be sleeping in a home off the southeastern coast of england, dreaming of the next days spent in london. this is crazy. really crazy. and you know, even though all of the money has not come yet, i know it will. God is all over this trip in front and behind, and i know that He will provide. i know He will. He is a good God, and He delights in giving good gifts to His children.
so, whomever you are, i deeply covet your prayers. i sincerely doubt anybody on the planet reads this blog, which is okay with me, but if somebody happens across it, please pray for me. PLEASE. i'll try to keep this updated i suppose. gotta have something for posterity or whatever.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
wind
last night i stood on the back deck and looked at the stars. it was still a bit light, but all those familiar constellations were clear. there was a little wind stirring up the warm air, and i could see the trees move and sway with it. i could hear the wind dancing through the leaves. it was beautiful.
but as i stood, i realized with surprise that the wind was not blowing on me. i was in the middle of the deck out in the open, but i could not feel the breeze that i saw and heard. all of creation was having a grand and wonderful ball, dancing beneath the stars in the warm summer evening, but i was not invited. i was like a little child, face pressed up against the glass, peering in on a lovely dance in which i wasn't allowed to participate.
and as i stood there, i tried hard to feel the wind. i stood hard and silent and concentrated, hoping i'd only missed it among my other observations. but i honestly could not feel it.
it was the strangest thing.
but as i stood, i realized with surprise that the wind was not blowing on me. i was in the middle of the deck out in the open, but i could not feel the breeze that i saw and heard. all of creation was having a grand and wonderful ball, dancing beneath the stars in the warm summer evening, but i was not invited. i was like a little child, face pressed up against the glass, peering in on a lovely dance in which i wasn't allowed to participate.
and as i stood there, i tried hard to feel the wind. i stood hard and silent and concentrated, hoping i'd only missed it among my other observations. but i honestly could not feel it.
it was the strangest thing.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
be sweet
i have decided that nobody wants to hang out with a bitter and impatient girl.
so i have decided to not be those things anymore.
i am waiting with VERY GREAT anticipation to see what my Lord brings into my life, but you know what, i can wait.
I CAN WAIT!
being bitter and forever shaking my fists at the heavens and shouting "POR QUE???" will not and certainly has not made a positive impact in my life, except to help me realize what i do NOT want to be.
and i don't want to be this anymore! i want to be one of those women that really overflow with kindness and love and peace and who are generally very lovely because of it. i have found that bitterness and coldness and spite makes a person, especially a girl, quite ugly.
so i'm gonna knock it off.
every day when my mom dropped me off at oregon trail elementary school, she would smile and tell me to "be sweet." and basically, she's a genius. lots of the time, that's the solution. especially when you're like me, and in the waiting room.
psalm 37:4 says this: "delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
God knows my heart; He created me to be this way. so i will be sweet, and i will wait. with great anticipation.
so i have decided to not be those things anymore.
i am waiting with VERY GREAT anticipation to see what my Lord brings into my life, but you know what, i can wait.
I CAN WAIT!
being bitter and forever shaking my fists at the heavens and shouting "POR QUE???" will not and certainly has not made a positive impact in my life, except to help me realize what i do NOT want to be.
and i don't want to be this anymore! i want to be one of those women that really overflow with kindness and love and peace and who are generally very lovely because of it. i have found that bitterness and coldness and spite makes a person, especially a girl, quite ugly.
so i'm gonna knock it off.
every day when my mom dropped me off at oregon trail elementary school, she would smile and tell me to "be sweet." and basically, she's a genius. lots of the time, that's the solution. especially when you're like me, and in the waiting room.
psalm 37:4 says this: "delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
God knows my heart; He created me to be this way. so i will be sweet, and i will wait. with great anticipation.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
come swiftly, Lord Jesus
this morning as i was eating my breakfast and reading the newspaper as i do every morning, i read one of the most horrific and terrible things i have read in a very, very long time.
(this is not for the faint of heart, or for the pansies. you are responsible for the truth that you know.)
on the front page of the oregonian today, there was an article about this woman in hillsboro. she seriously wanted to be pregnant, so she decided that she was. she told her boyfriend and her family that she had a baby inside her, when she really did not. i cannot pretend to understand what happened in her head between then and what she did next. she met this pregnant woman on craigslist, met her in hillsboro, and murdered her. the article did not say how the mother was killed, but it did say that the woman cut the baby from her mother's womb.
oh Lord. the things that happen in this evil world.
she sliced the woman's abdomen open and the baby died.
you think that is bad?!?!? you just wait and see.
this woman is being charged with ONE account of murder. but how many lives were taken here? let's count them: mother, and baby. that makes TWO. TWO lives that were crafted by God and personally knit together, now gone. the government is now trying to determine if the baby was alive in the womb - the whole when does life begin argument. but that baby was growing and getting bigger and developing inside its mother...i would say that it was alive! who can deny it? and that child is being ignored! this was a double homicide!
THIS IS A MASSIVE INJUSTICE!!!
oh, and speaking of injustices, i'm doing my term paper in my research class on the lord's resistance army (LRA) in northern Uganda, which includes child soldiers, and covers the invisible children movement.
so today i watched the invisible children movie again, just floored at the fact that this was completely unheard of for so long. jan egeland from the bbc was quoted saying, "it's a moral outrage to see thousands of children that have been abducted, that are maltreated, that are going through the most horrendous torture by the rebel movement, and also, the same groups now being neglected to some extent by the whole international community. i cannot find any other part of the world having an emergency on the scale of uganda with so little international attention."
i felt like i was burdened today having read, seen, and sobbed about these events. i feel deep conviction about it, and i wish there were a way to prevent these things from happening. it's hard for me to understand why God lets us keep on living. look at all the harm we cause. look at the depth of our depravity. today i nearly begged Jesus to come back soon. and i hope He does.
(this is not for the faint of heart, or for the pansies. you are responsible for the truth that you know.)
on the front page of the oregonian today, there was an article about this woman in hillsboro. she seriously wanted to be pregnant, so she decided that she was. she told her boyfriend and her family that she had a baby inside her, when she really did not. i cannot pretend to understand what happened in her head between then and what she did next. she met this pregnant woman on craigslist, met her in hillsboro, and murdered her. the article did not say how the mother was killed, but it did say that the woman cut the baby from her mother's womb.
oh Lord. the things that happen in this evil world.
she sliced the woman's abdomen open and the baby died.
you think that is bad?!?!? you just wait and see.
this woman is being charged with ONE account of murder. but how many lives were taken here? let's count them: mother, and baby. that makes TWO. TWO lives that were crafted by God and personally knit together, now gone. the government is now trying to determine if the baby was alive in the womb - the whole when does life begin argument. but that baby was growing and getting bigger and developing inside its mother...i would say that it was alive! who can deny it? and that child is being ignored! this was a double homicide!
THIS IS A MASSIVE INJUSTICE!!!
oh, and speaking of injustices, i'm doing my term paper in my research class on the lord's resistance army (LRA) in northern Uganda, which includes child soldiers, and covers the invisible children movement.
so today i watched the invisible children movie again, just floored at the fact that this was completely unheard of for so long. jan egeland from the bbc was quoted saying, "it's a moral outrage to see thousands of children that have been abducted, that are maltreated, that are going through the most horrendous torture by the rebel movement, and also, the same groups now being neglected to some extent by the whole international community. i cannot find any other part of the world having an emergency on the scale of uganda with so little international attention."
i felt like i was burdened today having read, seen, and sobbed about these events. i feel deep conviction about it, and i wish there were a way to prevent these things from happening. it's hard for me to understand why God lets us keep on living. look at all the harm we cause. look at the depth of our depravity. today i nearly begged Jesus to come back soon. and i hope He does.
Friday, May 22, 2009
dreams coming true
HA!
i am so excited.
emily early and i are going to europe!
this is so great!!!
just got some confirmations recently:
- from capernwray, i was accepted officially
- paid tuition downpayment at tauernhof
- our flight to frankfurt leaves pdx on september 1st at 8:50 am. that means...on that day...we are flying to germany on that day! it's almost unreal.
when we get there, we'll spend a day or two adjusting and hanging out, then her friend hannah will come get us, and we'll road trip through the english countryside, seeing castles and beautiful things like that.....*sigh*... and maybe get to places like prague and vienna... it will be so lovely.
then we'll hang out with hannah's family in germany before we go to school. then emily and i will be at tauernhof from september 21 - december 12 when the term ends, learning all about our wonderful Savior and the Bible and about how to serve Him better, and all that good stuff.
after all of that, emily's family will fly over to meet us in germany, and we will all travel together over the continent of europe, seeing touristy places like paris, rome, madrid, and various places we've yet to decide on.
so BASICALLY, i am ready to jump out of my skin for excitement. PRAISE GOD that we have the opportunity to even dream about these things.
by the way, this is schladming, the little town tauernhof is near to:
PRAISE the Lord.
i am so excited.
emily early and i are going to europe!
this is so great!!!
just got some confirmations recently:
- from capernwray, i was accepted officially
- paid tuition downpayment at tauernhof
- our flight to frankfurt leaves pdx on september 1st at 8:50 am. that means...on that day...we are flying to germany on that day! it's almost unreal.
when we get there, we'll spend a day or two adjusting and hanging out, then her friend hannah will come get us, and we'll road trip through the english countryside, seeing castles and beautiful things like that.....*sigh*... and maybe get to places like prague and vienna... it will be so lovely.
then we'll hang out with hannah's family in germany before we go to school. then emily and i will be at tauernhof from september 21 - december 12 when the term ends, learning all about our wonderful Savior and the Bible and about how to serve Him better, and all that good stuff.
after all of that, emily's family will fly over to meet us in germany, and we will all travel together over the continent of europe, seeing touristy places like paris, rome, madrid, and various places we've yet to decide on.
so BASICALLY, i am ready to jump out of my skin for excitement. PRAISE GOD that we have the opportunity to even dream about these things.
by the way, this is schladming, the little town tauernhof is near to:
PRAISE the Lord.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
just know.
i just want you to realize that God is faithful. by His very nature, He does not change. He is not unreliable. He can be counted on, and He will deliver. just understand that God is faithful.
aaaaaaannnddd... here's a picture of me in my new glasses.
i thought it was relevant.
aaaaaaannnddd... here's a picture of me in my new glasses.
i thought it was relevant.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
power
i was reading in isaiah 38 last night, and i want to tell you about what i read. it is amazing. it will amaze you! this is just ONE of MANY many examples of God hearing us tiny little people and answering our prayers.
so at the beginning of the chapter, God tells isaiah to tell the king that he is going to die. hezekiah is pretty sick, and God says, "set your house in order, for you shall die, you shall not recover."
the Bible says:
"then hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, and said, 'please, o LORD, remember how i have walked before you in faithfulness and with a whole heart, and have done what is good in your sight.' and hezekiah wept bitterly."
God heard the king's prayer. look what He did.
"I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. behold, I will add fifteen years to your life. I will deliver you and this city out of the hand of the king of assyria, and will defend this city."
hezekiah got some terrible news. he prayed to his God, and God heard him. but God did not stop there. He also chose to add fifteen years to the king's life. and He didn't even stop there. God also chose to save the city from the assyrians, and continue to guard it Himself.
how powerful is prayer! how powerful is our God! i hope that i realize this in my life. God DOES hear, all the time, no matter what. what a gracious, glorious God. and He chooses to reach down and interact with our lives, answering our unspoken prayers and working on our hearts. what a merciful God.
so at the beginning of the chapter, God tells isaiah to tell the king that he is going to die. hezekiah is pretty sick, and God says, "set your house in order, for you shall die, you shall not recover."
the Bible says:
"then hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, and said, 'please, o LORD, remember how i have walked before you in faithfulness and with a whole heart, and have done what is good in your sight.' and hezekiah wept bitterly."
God heard the king's prayer. look what He did.
"I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. behold, I will add fifteen years to your life. I will deliver you and this city out of the hand of the king of assyria, and will defend this city."
hezekiah got some terrible news. he prayed to his God, and God heard him. but God did not stop there. He also chose to add fifteen years to the king's life. and He didn't even stop there. God also chose to save the city from the assyrians, and continue to guard it Himself.
how powerful is prayer! how powerful is our God! i hope that i realize this in my life. God DOES hear, all the time, no matter what. what a gracious, glorious God. and He chooses to reach down and interact with our lives, answering our unspoken prayers and working on our hearts. what a merciful God.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
restless evil
i think i should come with a warning label.
i've very recently realized that i must be very offensive. i'm forever having to retrace my words and smooth over the hurts they've caused. i don't do it on purpose! and i don't remember being like this before!
am i really that immature, that my thoughts take verbal form and fly in the face of any innocent passerby? that is terriffically selfish. i don't even realize i'm doing it!
"for we all stumble in many ways, and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. if we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. so also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. how great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! and the tongue is a fire, a world of unrigheousness. the tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. for very kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. it is a restless evil. full of deadly poison. with is we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God . from the same mouth come blessing and cursing. my brothers, these things ought not to be so." - james 3:2-10
oh Lord God, hold my mouth shut before i defame You.
i've very recently realized that i must be very offensive. i'm forever having to retrace my words and smooth over the hurts they've caused. i don't do it on purpose! and i don't remember being like this before!
am i really that immature, that my thoughts take verbal form and fly in the face of any innocent passerby? that is terriffically selfish. i don't even realize i'm doing it!
"for we all stumble in many ways, and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. if we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. so also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. how great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! and the tongue is a fire, a world of unrigheousness. the tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. for very kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. it is a restless evil. full of deadly poison. with is we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God . from the same mouth come blessing and cursing. my brothers, these things ought not to be so." - james 3:2-10
oh Lord God, hold my mouth shut before i defame You.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
calling me out, calling you out
what if we were as militant about our own sin as we were about other people's?
sin is all the same in the eyes of God. all of it, no matter what it is, separates us from Him. liars, cheaters, sex offenders, murderers, thieves: all of us do not deserve God.
really, this is what it breaks down to. Jesus = LOVE.
what if we acted on what we said we believed in?
what if we really believed in what we say we believe in?
faith without works is dead.
we do not get to hoard Jesus anymore.
act like Jesus. read about Him. find out what got Him excited. study His life; His perfect, glorious life. learn what He has told you to do - it is in the Bible. share His passion. BE Jesus to this broken, hurting, longing world.
i think that if Christians were more PROactive about our faith, we would get much less flack from the world about how we REact. if people knew what Christianity was really about ((NOT religion and condemnation and rules and being exclusive)), they would see more of God and less of us.
this is it - WE are getting in the way. we are getting in God's way.
we need to repent of our self-righteousness and fear and start doing good.
i need to repent of my own self-righteousness and fear and start seeing people how my gracious and loving God sees them. i have got to get the heck out of God's way.
sin is all the same in the eyes of God. all of it, no matter what it is, separates us from Him. liars, cheaters, sex offenders, murderers, thieves: all of us do not deserve God.
really, this is what it breaks down to. Jesus = LOVE.
what if we acted on what we said we believed in?
what if we really believed in what we say we believe in?
faith without works is dead.
we do not get to hoard Jesus anymore.
act like Jesus. read about Him. find out what got Him excited. study His life; His perfect, glorious life. learn what He has told you to do - it is in the Bible. share His passion. BE Jesus to this broken, hurting, longing world.
i think that if Christians were more PROactive about our faith, we would get much less flack from the world about how we REact. if people knew what Christianity was really about ((NOT religion and condemnation and rules and being exclusive)), they would see more of God and less of us.
this is it - WE are getting in the way. we are getting in God's way.
we need to repent of our self-righteousness and fear and start doing good.
i need to repent of my own self-righteousness and fear and start seeing people how my gracious and loving God sees them. i have got to get the heck out of God's way.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
when is change coming?
TRUST and OBEY.
i heard another sermon today about trusting God with my future. HELLO! i feel like God's been slapping me around with this truth for a long time.
i like to say that i trust God, because it's true. i do trust God, in the sense that i know in my brains He is huge and enormous, and the embodiment of love and faithfulness, and powerful enough to make all things come together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. see, i know this in my brains.
but what i feel in my heart is neglect. and i feel like garbage for saying this. again, i know in my brains this is the furthest possible thing from the truth, but this is what i am feeling. nothing i want to happen is happening or seems to have any hope of happening. my dreams are gathering dust, and my heart is all twisted up with hurt. and now i am having a little pity party on the world wide web.
i wish somebody would just tell me what i'm supposed to do.
i feel like i'm in a waiting room.
i understand that God has a plan for my life. i understand that He makes no mistakes, and that this awkward transition time is part of the plan. He is not surprised by any of this. which is a small comfort to me.
none of my blogs have happy endings. i've come to rather hate happy endings, because i feel like they are not true to life.
now i'm rambling. ramble ramble ramble.
Lord, please show me something.
i heard another sermon today about trusting God with my future. HELLO! i feel like God's been slapping me around with this truth for a long time.
i like to say that i trust God, because it's true. i do trust God, in the sense that i know in my brains He is huge and enormous, and the embodiment of love and faithfulness, and powerful enough to make all things come together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. see, i know this in my brains.
but what i feel in my heart is neglect. and i feel like garbage for saying this. again, i know in my brains this is the furthest possible thing from the truth, but this is what i am feeling. nothing i want to happen is happening or seems to have any hope of happening. my dreams are gathering dust, and my heart is all twisted up with hurt. and now i am having a little pity party on the world wide web.
i wish somebody would just tell me what i'm supposed to do.
i feel like i'm in a waiting room.
i understand that God has a plan for my life. i understand that He makes no mistakes, and that this awkward transition time is part of the plan. He is not surprised by any of this. which is a small comfort to me.
none of my blogs have happy endings. i've come to rather hate happy endings, because i feel like they are not true to life.
now i'm rambling. ramble ramble ramble.
Lord, please show me something.
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