my realism is looking suspiciously like pessimism these days.
GROWING UP IS HARD.
i wish i could write about my thoughts and my longings in eloquent words that would help people really understand my deepest me, but i just write like i think. i suppose it would be dishonest to present myself any other way. and really, i am uncomfortable with attention to that degree. and really, no one reads this. it's just my way of being cathartic.
honestly, i think of myself as a patient person. i find patience where other people wouldn't think to look. i can deal with the people most people can't stand. but when it comes to my own life, i am finding it increasingly difficult to wait to see what happens next.
i have had some good experiences in my adult life. adult life, here meaning the years after high school. so for the past three years. it seems SO so so much longer than that. i have gone to Bible school in so-cal and in austria. i have travelled all over europe. i have worked a bunch of jobs. i have become involved in youth ministry, and grown to love it.
but i have also, in my opinion, lacked some important good experiences that most people my age have already had, such as moving out, owning a car, being in an adult relationship (not that i'm looking, just pointing it out), paying rent - things like that. shoot, most people my age are about to start their senior year of college! and because i did things a little differently, it'll be awhile longer before i see a bachelor's. or even an associate's.
here's the thing. i trust God. i do! i mean, it would be utterly stupid not to. i understand with my brains that God's got it covered, that it's silly and a waste of energy to worry. He sees things from end to end, without the restraint of time, and i can only see my here and now. and however depressing i think it is, God put me right here RIGHT NOW so i can bring Him the maximum glory. and clearly, i am missing the ways and means.
one of my favorite quotes is by jim elliot in a letter to his wife. in it he writes: "What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though he robbed me - of things that are not. ...Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."
oh Lord! my faith is so small. my understanding is so limited. i am sick of being in my head and hearing my thoughts, Father. You HAVE to be IT. You have to be the everything. my life is stupid and awful without You. move me where You're moved, Lord. use me somewhere. pour Your love straight through me. i know it is not about me. it can't be.
1 comment:
OhKelseyKelseyKelsey,
It's interesting to me that you would say that you wish you had more eloquent words, when in fact I'd consider you (based on what I've read of yours) to be one of the most eloquent people I know. Your writing is so transparent and encouraging to me.
Every time I read one of your posts, I'm reminded of the greatness of our Lord. Your love for Him and your incredible faith is such an inspiration and encouragement to me in my walk.
I don't think you should worry about the "adult experiences" you feel lack---you have SO many others that many will never have. Besides, when did God say we were to grow up, graduate, move out, graduate again, get married, get a house, have 2.5 kids, and a dog (okay, I'm getting ahead of the point here...but you understand)? He didn't. That's just our society. Lucky for us, there's a bigger, far more magnificent plan for us than anything our culture can come up with.
You have done things differently, but from what I can see, you've honored God in tremendous ways, and that makes your experiences far more wonderful than anything else. : )
Love you!
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