all right, God. i'm all done.
i'm all done striving, all done trying this hard. nothing i'm doing myself is helping, so i'm just gonna be all done.
it all seems to come down to this: trust in myself or trust in You. and it seems so brainless that i would even be struggling with this. i mean, all creation screams that You are real, and i know it's true; i cannot comprehend why i keep taking back my problems. You can handle them, and i clearly cannot. i believe in You with all my being, but for some reason i keep stressing myself out and overthinking and becoming discouraged.
i believe You know what is best for my life. of course You do, You see everything from beginning to end. You crafted me before i had breath, and You know everything i'll do.
i guess sometimes i want what i want more than i want what You want. soooo...that's dumb. like i even have any say!
i also know that You know what i want, and You created me to be just exactly the way i am, to have these ambitions and dreams. Your Word says, "delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart," (psalm 37.4). i'm taking this promise, Lord. only teach me how to delight in You.
i believe You can handle this. You hold the world in Your hands and keep the planets in orbit, and still You involve Yourself explicitly in our tiny little lives. You deserve all of me; all my hope and all my love and all my trust. my entire life. i'm gonna stop right now, God. i'm gonna stop accusing You of wrong and let You do what's right. oh me of little faith.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
geesen
sometimes i read my blog and laugh at the things that i say. sometimes it makes me nearly embarrassed to see what i said. sometimes i even consider deleting the less-than-flattering entries. but then i think that i really did feel and think those things, and that just because my perspective has changed doesn't mean that that silly entry wasn't me, wasn't exactly right, exactly what i was experiencing. so who cares about saving face anyhow.
today i went on a very good run. i have to say that i am proud of myself for running. yay me. anyway, my very favorite part of running is where i run. i am going to describe it to you quite vaguely so that it will still be my place, because i just might be that selfish. when i go running, i run up the small hill to the main road, run along the road, make a turn sometime later, and then another, and suddenly there is an enormous hill (the same hill which may have inspired the original usage of the word hill for its sheer greatness) right in front of my face. really, it is very daunting. naturally, i do not have the superhuman strength to continue running up the steep slope, so i slow to a walk. it takes a very labored four to six minutes to get to the top of the hill, but this part is my very favorite. as i hike, i try hard not to look to my left, but to only look at the sidewalk in front of me. this is because once i reach the top of the hill, i stop by the fire hydrant and finally allow myself to look beyond the ground to the picturesque display of God's creation before me. the first thing i always notice is the mountain. on a clear day, it stands to the east, firm and very there. it is breathtaking. you could even say that it is loud. it absolutely demands attention for its very presence, and so i always give it what it wants, breathing a prayer of praise and awe to God. after i'm done gawking at the mountain, i gawk at the valley i live in. it is surrounded by beautiful blue mini-mountains, and fenced in by evergreens. from the hill i can see housing developments and a school and a shopping center and some more housing developments, but what i love most is to look beyond that, almost straining my eyes to focus in on the pastureland and the green fields and the stately trees that stand guard over them. i feel so safe seeing those things. like God has fenced me in, and nothing will hurt me here.
today as i jogged down the other side of the hill, i nearly tripped in surprise at what i saw there. near the bottom of the hill, there is some undeveloped ground that was dirt and is now grassy, and today was teeming with geese. geese! i absolutely burst out laughing. a whole flock of geesen (haha) just meandering in the little field, all facing the west together. it was fascinating. and just now as i was thinking about it, i realized that they are probably getting ready to migrate, if indeed geese do that. it is the middle of september, for crying out loud. you see, for the past year i have lived in a kind of constant summer, and this little reminder got me thinking of the cold, wet months that are coming. i am anticipating them so much it is ridiculous. but even now as i am thinking of this, i am realizing how quickly the time is cruising on by, and i am motivated a little more than before to be preparing, just like those geese.
this is my growing time. the time between times in my life, i feel like. the time God has given me to pause, reflect on the past, and decide on the future before i embark on my next adventure. even though right now it seems like there's not so much deciding happening, and a little more embarking. but i am also learning to trust God in this growing time. i am realizing that He allows everything in my life to happen exactly the way that it does because He loves me.
everything.
because He loves me.
and i am learning that (duuhhhhh) He knows better than i do, and that even when i think i'm right, of course i'm not right, because God is right.
so these are the kinds of things that are happening in my head right now. if you're reading this and you're still with me (congratulations), pray for me. please pray for me. and pray for yourself, that you would be using your growing time as God meant you to. because He did mean for you to be, and He meant for all this to happen.
and i'm really glad He meant for the geese to happen today. that was a nice surprise.
today i went on a very good run. i have to say that i am proud of myself for running. yay me. anyway, my very favorite part of running is where i run. i am going to describe it to you quite vaguely so that it will still be my place, because i just might be that selfish. when i go running, i run up the small hill to the main road, run along the road, make a turn sometime later, and then another, and suddenly there is an enormous hill (the same hill which may have inspired the original usage of the word hill for its sheer greatness) right in front of my face. really, it is very daunting. naturally, i do not have the superhuman strength to continue running up the steep slope, so i slow to a walk. it takes a very labored four to six minutes to get to the top of the hill, but this part is my very favorite. as i hike, i try hard not to look to my left, but to only look at the sidewalk in front of me. this is because once i reach the top of the hill, i stop by the fire hydrant and finally allow myself to look beyond the ground to the picturesque display of God's creation before me. the first thing i always notice is the mountain. on a clear day, it stands to the east, firm and very there. it is breathtaking. you could even say that it is loud. it absolutely demands attention for its very presence, and so i always give it what it wants, breathing a prayer of praise and awe to God. after i'm done gawking at the mountain, i gawk at the valley i live in. it is surrounded by beautiful blue mini-mountains, and fenced in by evergreens. from the hill i can see housing developments and a school and a shopping center and some more housing developments, but what i love most is to look beyond that, almost straining my eyes to focus in on the pastureland and the green fields and the stately trees that stand guard over them. i feel so safe seeing those things. like God has fenced me in, and nothing will hurt me here.
today as i jogged down the other side of the hill, i nearly tripped in surprise at what i saw there. near the bottom of the hill, there is some undeveloped ground that was dirt and is now grassy, and today was teeming with geese. geese! i absolutely burst out laughing. a whole flock of geesen (haha) just meandering in the little field, all facing the west together. it was fascinating. and just now as i was thinking about it, i realized that they are probably getting ready to migrate, if indeed geese do that. it is the middle of september, for crying out loud. you see, for the past year i have lived in a kind of constant summer, and this little reminder got me thinking of the cold, wet months that are coming. i am anticipating them so much it is ridiculous. but even now as i am thinking of this, i am realizing how quickly the time is cruising on by, and i am motivated a little more than before to be preparing, just like those geese.
this is my growing time. the time between times in my life, i feel like. the time God has given me to pause, reflect on the past, and decide on the future before i embark on my next adventure. even though right now it seems like there's not so much deciding happening, and a little more embarking. but i am also learning to trust God in this growing time. i am realizing that He allows everything in my life to happen exactly the way that it does because He loves me.
everything.
because He loves me.
and i am learning that (duuhhhhh) He knows better than i do, and that even when i think i'm right, of course i'm not right, because God is right.
so these are the kinds of things that are happening in my head right now. if you're reading this and you're still with me (congratulations), pray for me. please pray for me. and pray for yourself, that you would be using your growing time as God meant you to. because He did mean for you to be, and He meant for all this to happen.
and i'm really glad He meant for the geese to happen today. that was a nice surprise.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
unspoken me.
i want to create. i myself was created; it is only natural. i know exactly why i was created, why i am here. God made me so that i can bring Him glory.
i want to be able to do things, or say things, or write things, or dream things that will inspire. i want what i do to create a flame in the hearts of people. i want to encourage beauty and kindness and love in the way that i live life.
i want the things i write to be breathtaking and beautiful; things that warm hearts and spur minds. and i want to write them with the utmost purpose and feeling. i want my words to cause smiles and nods of agreement when they are read. i aim for inspiration - i can't deny it. i want my readers to go away from something i've written and not be able to put some little sliver of idea out of their heads. i want to inflict conviction and true, deep thought.
i want the way i make music to leave people with some real emotion. i want everything i sing to mean something intrinsically imperative - like every word and phrase holds something completely precious - and i want people to listen hard enough to me to hear it. i want to sing of love and pain and miracles and beauty, and to stir people's hearts.
but Lord, what are these things without you? without Your inspiration, my words are empty. without Your passion, my songs are dull. my motives are base and remarkably prideful. because i am a stupid, selfish human being, i want to steal from God and bring glory to myself. as if i could take any of the credit. i have no spark without Your flame, Lord.
i want to be able to do things, or say things, or write things, or dream things that will inspire. i want what i do to create a flame in the hearts of people. i want to encourage beauty and kindness and love in the way that i live life.
i want the things i write to be breathtaking and beautiful; things that warm hearts and spur minds. and i want to write them with the utmost purpose and feeling. i want my words to cause smiles and nods of agreement when they are read. i aim for inspiration - i can't deny it. i want my readers to go away from something i've written and not be able to put some little sliver of idea out of their heads. i want to inflict conviction and true, deep thought.
i want the way i make music to leave people with some real emotion. i want everything i sing to mean something intrinsically imperative - like every word and phrase holds something completely precious - and i want people to listen hard enough to me to hear it. i want to sing of love and pain and miracles and beauty, and to stir people's hearts.
but Lord, what are these things without you? without Your inspiration, my words are empty. without Your passion, my songs are dull. my motives are base and remarkably prideful. because i am a stupid, selfish human being, i want to steal from God and bring glory to myself. as if i could take any of the credit. i have no spark without Your flame, Lord.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
attack of the cliches (a year in retrospect)
let's be cliche for awhile and talk in reminiscence about this past year. okay, this is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose. to sum up, i changed more in this year than i ever have in my life. God pried me from my home and familiarity and everything i love, and showed me a new life where i was forced to rely on Him.
He placed me in sunny so-cal (yes, they really do call it that here) and surrounded me with fellow believers at a Christian liberal arts school called The Master's College. He gave me good friends and good times, and for awhile i was really happy. i still missed home, but things were fine. and then God took my voice away from me. for those of you who have just recently met me or are just oblivious, i have always been a singer. always. i'm pretty sure i sang before i spoke. singing has always been a huge identifier for me. i've never been super outgoing, but people knew of me because i sang. throughout high school, that is what i did, and God blessed me there. as i looked at colleges, i aspired to nothing more than being a singer. my plan was to coast on my musical momentum and just ride on talent to get me through. and on this end of things, i can see that it took something as drastic as losing my voice to make me realize that i was selling God short. i wasn't listening to Him at all in regard to my future, and so He thought it best to cripple my voice until i got the message. medically, there is nothing wrong with my voice. believe me, i saw some doctors about this. there is no other explanation in my mind than God sovereignly seeing what i was doing and helping to push me in another direction.
for awhile, i was really upset. i became so stinkin bitter you wouldn't believe it. but quickly i realized that that was dumb, and that God was obviously trying to teach me something. i was still sad though, because it hurt to even sing worship songs in chapel, and that made me mad. and on top of it, my guitar decided to be dysfunctional, so i couldn't even do that. i worked diligently with my voice teacher to figure out how to solve this problem, and i'm not sure we ever did. but throughout all of this, God, in His divine humor, decided that i could still sing jazz. i can't explain it. it just didn't hurt to sing jazz. it turns out that i got to sing with the jazz band, and it was the most fun i've ever had with music.
but now i'm jumping ahead. throughout this year, i have struggled with homesickness quite a bit. i knew i was going to miss everything about portland and everyone there, but i couldn't have understood how much i would miss it. it was really awful for awhile there. every rainy day reminded me of home, pictures made me cry, and memories would put me in a funk all day. but then i got a phone call from my great friend jeanine, and she reasoned with me, and i realized that i was only making terrible, sad memories, and that this was such a unique opportunity for me, and that i was squandering it. she didn't say all that, but i knew it was true. i began to choose day to day to live each day out fully because it was a gift from God, no matter what happened. it was probably the best thing that could have happened. i snapped out of it and realized how my selfishness was making other people feel.
in retrospect, i feel like i wasted a lot of time. i know i did. this year i think i learned more about the value of time. i worried a lot, and i moped a lot, even after learning how neither of those things solve anything. but God is faithful. He hasn't left me without any direction, and He has taught me how to trust Him better. i am so thankful for this year away, and i wouldn't change any of it.
He placed me in sunny so-cal (yes, they really do call it that here) and surrounded me with fellow believers at a Christian liberal arts school called The Master's College. He gave me good friends and good times, and for awhile i was really happy. i still missed home, but things were fine. and then God took my voice away from me. for those of you who have just recently met me or are just oblivious, i have always been a singer. always. i'm pretty sure i sang before i spoke. singing has always been a huge identifier for me. i've never been super outgoing, but people knew of me because i sang. throughout high school, that is what i did, and God blessed me there. as i looked at colleges, i aspired to nothing more than being a singer. my plan was to coast on my musical momentum and just ride on talent to get me through. and on this end of things, i can see that it took something as drastic as losing my voice to make me realize that i was selling God short. i wasn't listening to Him at all in regard to my future, and so He thought it best to cripple my voice until i got the message. medically, there is nothing wrong with my voice. believe me, i saw some doctors about this. there is no other explanation in my mind than God sovereignly seeing what i was doing and helping to push me in another direction.
for awhile, i was really upset. i became so stinkin bitter you wouldn't believe it. but quickly i realized that that was dumb, and that God was obviously trying to teach me something. i was still sad though, because it hurt to even sing worship songs in chapel, and that made me mad. and on top of it, my guitar decided to be dysfunctional, so i couldn't even do that. i worked diligently with my voice teacher to figure out how to solve this problem, and i'm not sure we ever did. but throughout all of this, God, in His divine humor, decided that i could still sing jazz. i can't explain it. it just didn't hurt to sing jazz. it turns out that i got to sing with the jazz band, and it was the most fun i've ever had with music.
but now i'm jumping ahead. throughout this year, i have struggled with homesickness quite a bit. i knew i was going to miss everything about portland and everyone there, but i couldn't have understood how much i would miss it. it was really awful for awhile there. every rainy day reminded me of home, pictures made me cry, and memories would put me in a funk all day. but then i got a phone call from my great friend jeanine, and she reasoned with me, and i realized that i was only making terrible, sad memories, and that this was such a unique opportunity for me, and that i was squandering it. she didn't say all that, but i knew it was true. i began to choose day to day to live each day out fully because it was a gift from God, no matter what happened. it was probably the best thing that could have happened. i snapped out of it and realized how my selfishness was making other people feel.
in retrospect, i feel like i wasted a lot of time. i know i did. this year i think i learned more about the value of time. i worried a lot, and i moped a lot, even after learning how neither of those things solve anything. but God is faithful. He hasn't left me without any direction, and He has taught me how to trust Him better. i am so thankful for this year away, and i wouldn't change any of it.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
square one
i feel as though i've come full circle, and now i'm back at the beginning. it's nearing the end of my first year of college, but i don't feel any different than i did last year at this time. because of finances, i have to move back home and work for a year. i have to apply to colleges (again), decide a new major (again), and i have to find jobs and earn a lot of money. it's like the twilight zone. you'd almost never know i went to California for a year. it's as if i'm back to square one. i would be totally discouraged if i didn't know God was in control, causing all these events to happen for the good of those who love Him.
but i have learned so much. God pried me from my comfort zone, stripped my dreams from me, and caused me to question everything. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. but i've come out of it with a clearer picture of how life is out from under the protective umbrella of my parents and my home life.
i know this experience has changed my life. i'm grateful beyond words for how faithful God has been to me, and i eagerly anticipate what will happen when i go home.
but i have learned so much. God pried me from my comfort zone, stripped my dreams from me, and caused me to question everything. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. but i've come out of it with a clearer picture of how life is out from under the protective umbrella of my parents and my home life.
i know this experience has changed my life. i'm grateful beyond words for how faithful God has been to me, and i eagerly anticipate what will happen when i go home.
Friday, March 7, 2008
faultfinder
i can't really believe in the things i say i believe. i cannot really believe in the power of prayer. there isn't any way i belive in the veracity of scripture. and it cannot be that i truly believe in God.
that isn't what i do. i believe in the power of my own intellect. by the way i live, you'd know for sure i am my own law. i follow my own deceitful and wicked heart, believing passionately that it knows all truth. nothing phases me because i know all, and i seek control over all.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determines its measurements- surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
when the morning stars sang together
and all the sons of God shouted for joy?" (job 38:4-7)
"SHALL A FAULTFINDER CONTEND WITH THE ALMIGHTY? HE WHO ARGUES WITH GOD, LET HIM ANSWER IT." (job 40:2)
let me answer like job. "what shall i answer? i lay my hand on my mouth." (job 40:4)
how dare i usurp God? seriously. what fooled me into thinking i could handle all this myself? yet He has picked me up from my sadness and shown me a new and better way.
it floors me that Jesus ardently loves me, and has given me everything i need for life and godliness. if i were Him, i would have struck me down with some bolt of lightning long ago. "what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You care for him?" (ps. 8:4) of what possible use can i be to You, God? You are so much more powerful than me. i am so honored, and i want to live like it. i'm tired of being so two-faced. i am so sorry, Father. give me grace to love You more.
that isn't what i do. i believe in the power of my own intellect. by the way i live, you'd know for sure i am my own law. i follow my own deceitful and wicked heart, believing passionately that it knows all truth. nothing phases me because i know all, and i seek control over all.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determines its measurements- surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
when the morning stars sang together
and all the sons of God shouted for joy?" (job 38:4-7)
"SHALL A FAULTFINDER CONTEND WITH THE ALMIGHTY? HE WHO ARGUES WITH GOD, LET HIM ANSWER IT." (job 40:2)
let me answer like job. "what shall i answer? i lay my hand on my mouth." (job 40:4)
how dare i usurp God? seriously. what fooled me into thinking i could handle all this myself? yet He has picked me up from my sadness and shown me a new and better way.
it floors me that Jesus ardently loves me, and has given me everything i need for life and godliness. if i were Him, i would have struck me down with some bolt of lightning long ago. "what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You care for him?" (ps. 8:4) of what possible use can i be to You, God? You are so much more powerful than me. i am so honored, and i want to live like it. i'm tired of being so two-faced. i am so sorry, Father. give me grace to love You more.
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