let's be cliche for awhile and talk in reminiscence about this past year. okay, this is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose. to sum up, i changed more in this year than i ever have in my life. God pried me from my home and familiarity and everything i love, and showed me a new life where i was forced to rely on Him.
He placed me in sunny so-cal (yes, they really do call it that here) and surrounded me with fellow believers at a Christian liberal arts school called The Master's College. He gave me good friends and good times, and for awhile i was really happy. i still missed home, but things were fine. and then God took my voice away from me. for those of you who have just recently met me or are just oblivious, i have always been a singer. always. i'm pretty sure i sang before i spoke. singing has always been a huge identifier for me. i've never been super outgoing, but people knew of me because i sang. throughout high school, that is what i did, and God blessed me there. as i looked at colleges, i aspired to nothing more than being a singer. my plan was to coast on my musical momentum and just ride on talent to get me through. and on this end of things, i can see that it took something as drastic as losing my voice to make me realize that i was selling God short. i wasn't listening to Him at all in regard to my future, and so He thought it best to cripple my voice until i got the message. medically, there is nothing wrong with my voice. believe me, i saw some doctors about this. there is no other explanation in my mind than God sovereignly seeing what i was doing and helping to push me in another direction.
for awhile, i was really upset. i became so stinkin bitter you wouldn't believe it. but quickly i realized that that was dumb, and that God was obviously trying to teach me something. i was still sad though, because it hurt to even sing worship songs in chapel, and that made me mad. and on top of it, my guitar decided to be dysfunctional, so i couldn't even do that. i worked diligently with my voice teacher to figure out how to solve this problem, and i'm not sure we ever did. but throughout all of this, God, in His divine humor, decided that i could still sing jazz. i can't explain it. it just didn't hurt to sing jazz. it turns out that i got to sing with the jazz band, and it was the most fun i've ever had with music.
but now i'm jumping ahead. throughout this year, i have struggled with homesickness quite a bit. i knew i was going to miss everything about portland and everyone there, but i couldn't have understood how much i would miss it. it was really awful for awhile there. every rainy day reminded me of home, pictures made me cry, and memories would put me in a funk all day. but then i got a phone call from my great friend jeanine, and she reasoned with me, and i realized that i was only making terrible, sad memories, and that this was such a unique opportunity for me, and that i was squandering it. she didn't say all that, but i knew it was true. i began to choose day to day to live each day out fully because it was a gift from God, no matter what happened. it was probably the best thing that could have happened. i snapped out of it and realized how my selfishness was making other people feel.
in retrospect, i feel like i wasted a lot of time. i know i did. this year i think i learned more about the value of time. i worried a lot, and i moped a lot, even after learning how neither of those things solve anything. but God is faithful. He hasn't left me without any direction, and He has taught me how to trust Him better. i am so thankful for this year away, and i wouldn't change any of it.
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