v for vendetta

read this and be awed. some of the best writing ever. and the movie- yeah. it's amazing.

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

yeah. and then try reading it aloud. it is quite a challenge! yay for this movie.

comfort

"The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

-Zephaniah 3:17

trust.

i've been reading in ecclesiasties because i'm writing a paper on existentialism and there are a lot of ties in that book. and i just like tying everything to the Bible. but i found a particularly interesting passage that i'd like to post.

"I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." - ecclesiasties 3:10-11

now, isn't that interesting? so much juice in so few words. from the beginning of time, mankind has wondered about an afterlife, doubting that this life is it. God has put that desire in our hearts, but we can't understand the scope of it at all. we cannot possibly comprehend a world outside of Time and Space, because God created those things for us to exist in. we are always wanting to know, but we can never know. our minds were not meant to understand, only to seek. to seek and to be satisfied with not knowing. how fascinating.

and then there's the part i bolded. this part holds special meaning for me right now. everything God created is made to be beautiful in its time. maybe not right now, probably not tomorrow, but eventually. i can only speak from what i know. i know that girls want so much to be special, to be sought after, to be rescued. it's consuming, even. i'm probably taking the verse far out of context, but i know God put everyone here on purpose. He breathed life into us. and maybe beautiful doesn't necessarily mean aesthetically beautiful, but beautiful on the inside, where it counts. and that sounds remarkably cheesy, but i have come to learn that only that is important, no matter what the world says.

what does the world know, anyway? stupid world.

Lord, give me confidence to be who You designed me to be, no matter what feedback or lack of feedback i recieve from the world. i know i'm here on purpose. forgive me for second-guessing Your plans. thank You that i am not an accident of biology, and that i have plenty of reason to live, if only for You. i praise You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made.

song of the time

i can't say i love You
if there's something i won't do
so i'm packing my bags now
to go to california

some say that we're crazy
got nothing to lose
You won't love me less
no matter which road i choose
You've asked me to go,
so i've only one move

i don't want to leave here
'cause i may never see home
but i won't live by my fears
california

my eyes to the west now
and a heart that won't back down
there's a heart i want back now
california

so hold on, my darlin'
it's going to be bumpy
so buckle in tightly
and go to california

"california" by jason harwell

i think it may have been written for me.

california

well kids, it looks like i'm going to master's. i just got my acceptance letter today, and i am pretty excited about that.

it really is a fabulous school. i was there for a couple days, sleeping in the dorms, going to classes and meeting people, and it seemed to be exactly like camp. everyone is completely in love with Jesus, and they're really friendly and nice. it's a small Bible college, but they've got a fantastic choral program. i'll be a vocal performance major (i think), and i don't know what i'll intend upon doing when i graduate. but that's a whole other topic.

i think moving to california will be THE most stretching experience of my life. leaving everything i've ever known and moving somewhere entirely by myself will be extraordinarily hard for me. no more portland, no more familiar roads and places, and no more seeing family and dear friends. i will be a twenty-hour car ride from home in beautiful southern california.

i am terrified.

what if i never move back? what if i slowly lose contact with my dearest friends in portland? can i really change that much? am i willing to take that risk?

please pray that either i win the lottery or that large amounts of money fall from the sky so that i can go to this wonder college.

God, please give me certainty about this. i'm scared.

march first, 2007

i went all morning without realizing it. it wasn't until i was on the bus on the way to guaranteed start that i remembered. i was sitting by myself watching the rain and listening to emery when it hit me that marcus would have been nineteen today. it is march first, and he doesn't get to turn nineteen. Lord God, why do i get to turn nineteen, and marcus doesn't? it seems so unfair, and i don't understand.

it always takes days like this one to shake me out of myself. i go on "living" in a continuum of time and events and people and places, and i rarely step outside of it. earth is not it. this life is only a part of life. i know with certainty that i will see marcus lloyd bennett again when Jesus comes for me, but i miss him in the meantime. i mean, look at that picture. he was so full of life and humour and empathy. he was annoying and a pest and he rubbed some people the wrong way. he was also one of the most hard-working, caring, willing, and fullest people i knew. and Jesus took him from us. don't misunderstand, i'm not angry with God. i only wish i'd gotten to know him better. isn't that always what people say?

i want to share with you something his grandmother wrote to me in a card after his death. he lived with his grandparents, and he held them in the utmost esteem and respect.
"The morning after our dear Marcus died his alarm went off. I got out of bed to turn it off. Crying, I said to the bed, 'Marcus, you will never wake up in our home again! But this morning you awoke with JESUS!' How we miss him, but we would never wish him back! We can rejoice for Marcus and will see him again!"

i cry every time i read that card. and i still find it incredible that i'll never cringe when i see his name on the caller id again, never get to watch him work on that stupid trail in enterprise, never get to play hockey with him, and never get to sit and talk with him about his chaotic life. but today in heaven, marcus celebrated his ninteenth birthday with Jesus. and it don't get much better than that.

so, take heart. though life seems unfair, God is completely in control. i have already seen good things come of marcus' death though i didn't think that possible. "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"