march first, 2007

i went all morning without realizing it. it wasn't until i was on the bus on the way to guaranteed start that i remembered. i was sitting by myself watching the rain and listening to emery when it hit me that marcus would have been nineteen today. it is march first, and he doesn't get to turn nineteen. Lord God, why do i get to turn nineteen, and marcus doesn't? it seems so unfair, and i don't understand.

it always takes days like this one to shake me out of myself. i go on "living" in a continuum of time and events and people and places, and i rarely step outside of it. earth is not it. this life is only a part of life. i know with certainty that i will see marcus lloyd bennett again when Jesus comes for me, but i miss him in the meantime. i mean, look at that picture. he was so full of life and humour and empathy. he was annoying and a pest and he rubbed some people the wrong way. he was also one of the most hard-working, caring, willing, and fullest people i knew. and Jesus took him from us. don't misunderstand, i'm not angry with God. i only wish i'd gotten to know him better. isn't that always what people say?

i want to share with you something his grandmother wrote to me in a card after his death. he lived with his grandparents, and he held them in the utmost esteem and respect.
"The morning after our dear Marcus died his alarm went off. I got out of bed to turn it off. Crying, I said to the bed, 'Marcus, you will never wake up in our home again! But this morning you awoke with JESUS!' How we miss him, but we would never wish him back! We can rejoice for Marcus and will see him again!"

i cry every time i read that card. and i still find it incredible that i'll never cringe when i see his name on the caller id again, never get to watch him work on that stupid trail in enterprise, never get to play hockey with him, and never get to sit and talk with him about his chaotic life. but today in heaven, marcus celebrated his ninteenth birthday with Jesus. and it don't get much better than that.

so, take heart. though life seems unfair, God is completely in control. i have already seen good things come of marcus' death though i didn't think that possible. "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"