baby brother

Lord, what's happened? is this a phase? is this the influence of friends? is it as serious as he makes it out to be? i'm so worried about him. i care so much, but he can't see it. it doesn't make sense to me to begin to deny every bit of truth he's ever heard throughout his life. i've heard all the same things, but he's the one denying it. why can't it be me? it hurts me to see him going through this. he refuses to speak more than what he's required to at home, so i don't know who he talks with. it makes me nervous. where is he finding truth, if not with You?
Father, please use this conference to shake my baby brother awake. it's killing me to see him hurt so deeply but to refuse to talk about it. i want to have some semblance of relationship with him at some point. i miss my brother. show me what i can do to help win him back to our family and to life. i don't want to come across as overbearing or obsessive about it, but i want him to understand. i love him. restore him to us.

of whom i am the foremost.

oh Jesus, thank You for what You did. You knew throughout Time that Your sacrifice was what it was going to take to reconcile us to You. how i take it for granted, sweet Jesus. how i spit in Your face minute by minute.

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?

Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

of what possible worth can i be to You, Father God? and how can it be that i can call You that and not instantly incinerate. You blow my mind. day after day of my pitiful life i run and hide from You, but You come and pick me up and remind me of Your great love. i see it in the stars at night and in the glory of the sunrise. i see Your love and Your provision and care everywhere i look.

what can i reply?
my hand i lay
upon my lips
shall i attempt to speak?

You are so good to me, God. You see the depths of my heart, and You love me the same. thank You for every blessing You've seen fit to give me, and for the ones to come. thank You for coming to save sinners.

hello, mcfly.

seriously, i don't know why i worry. God always provides! silly kelsey. i never before noticed how much i do it. as if anything is outside of God's control. even if i don't get to know why certain things happen, God does! that should be enough comfort. to worry is such a heavy thing. essentially, i'm distrusting the infinite Creator and His wisdom every time, thinking perhaps He's not big enough to handle whatever it is. psh. what a load.

"When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, what is man that You are mindful of him, the son of man that You care for him?"

i was in borders last night with my new friends, and i saw a very big book about the universe. i was completely enthralled with it (which isn't out of the ordinary; i find the universe fascinating), flipping through every page in utter awe. i cannot wrap my head around the idea of all of that space, let alone the God that created it. fact- did you know that our sun is a star, and therefore every star in the vastness of space could very well have its own solar system like ours? and God chose to send His Son to die and to save the microscopic scum of people on one infinitesimally small planet called earth! amazing. mind-blowing. God, You blow my mind.

that God has everything under control! there is NO reason for me to worry. so stop it, kelsey. have a little faith. have a little trust.

time and space and grace and your face.

well, friends, i'm in california right now. hello, reality! wednesday was the surreallest (<--word? don't care) day of my life. i packed my belongings, put them in the truck, and said goodbye to my dear dog. it's weird, let me tell you! no amount of preparation and forethought can ready you for the sight of a bare bedroom and plans for a new life coming true. i mean, think of it. that was my last night at home. how strange.
i am so thrilled to explore my future! i've got sooo much adventure waiting for me at this new school with new friends to meet, new knowledge to discover, and independence to try out. i praise God because He's given me and people i trust the certainty i've waited for. all systems go. this is the surest i've ever been, and though it's hard, i wouldn't pass it up for anything. well, maybe an all-expense-paid trip to europe :) .
my dear friends, i am sorry if i have failed you. i'm learning a lot about friendship and endurance and how i suck at both. i wish in the past that i'd been a better friend, and i feel like i've all but abandoned some people i truly cared about. but i can promise that no matter how frequently or deeply i or other people hurt you, Jesus will never fail you.
i am going to miss seeing all of your lovely faces often. (i do have skype, but nothing replaces face-to-face, genuine and deep conversations.)
don't be a stranger! seriously! may the Lord bless you and keep you.
see you at christmastime.

dandelions

sometimes i do not understand. what use am i to God? to my family? to my dearest friends? to the fellow human walking down the street? Jesus, i mess up. i do a lot of stupid things, and say a lot of things that disgrace Your precious name. i know You already know this, but i want You to know that i am aware of it, too. i am so ashamed, dear Father. i do not understand Your grace and Your planning, though i am forever and ever grateful.

i wish i could be so much more for You. i wish i could be eloquent, and say beautiful things in lovely and creative ways that make people stop and really truly think about thier lives and about You and what doesn't match up. You've given me conviction, so much that i don't know what to do with it, but i'm so weak with my speech and in my timing, and i fail You so often. would You please guide me as i talk? i long to be effective, but i feel like i'm talking into the wind, and nobody hears, or if they do, then it wasn't said in a way that truly struck a chord in their very being.

but God, i know that You can even use my weakness and my discomfort and my inconsistencies for good, and i ask that You transform my awkwardness into Your love. i want to radiate it. i don't want it to be about me.

my favorite hymn.

How Great Thou Art

oh Lord, my God, when i in awesome wonder
consider all the works Thy hands have made
i see the stars, i hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed

then sings my soul, my Saviour, God to Thee
how great Thou art, how great Thou art
then sings my soul, my Saviour, God to Thee
how great Thou art, how great Thou art

and when i think that God, His Son not sparing
sent Him to die, i scarce can take it in
that on the cross, my burden gladly bearing
He bled and died to take away my sin

when Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
and take me home, what joy shall fill my heart
then i shall bow in humble adoration
and there proclaim, "my God, how great Thou art!"

profound words.

i babysat zack tonight. he's one of the best kids on the planet. i was his first babysitter, right after he got off the plane from india, so we've got a really special connection.

i love zack for countless reasons. he is a smart kid, even if he isn't school-smart. he is the sweetest thing, and such an affectionate person, always wanting to know things about you.

tonight we were talking about how i used to sing with the worship band on sundays and how he'd like to see me up there. i told him i don't do that anymore, and he said that's okay; he likes me for me, not for my voice.

that's the most amazing thing i think anyone's ever said to me, and he's eight. i just really appreciate that. i mean, a lot of people don't know me. they just know my voice. it's just so nice to be loved for me.

Jesus, thank You for zachary. You've created such an amazing boy in him. give him sweet sleep tonight. thank You for bringing him into my life and for making Yourself known to him at such an early age. bless him greatly in his life.

wonderful day.

i've discovered a beautiful new thing. i've discovered a magical and lovely place i forgot about or maybe never knew existed.

it's morning.

i get up just early enough to see the sky change colours and to witness the sun stretch through the trees on the horizon. it is such a perfect way to start my day.

before i began watching sunrises, mornings were a thing to be rushed through, grumbled through or slept through. but now i feel like i've missed out if i missed out on the day's masterpiece.

there is something so very fresh about mornings. i think it's in the air. whatever it is brings everything into focus for me. God created this day for a purpose, and has purposed me to live in it.

therefore every day is a wonderful day.

i would encourage you to get up. just get up and go outside. go outside, and breathe. listen. enjoy. it'll change your life.

going.

i have so many mixed feelings about california right now. i feel the need to make a pros and cons list.

GOOD THINGS ABOUT MOVING:
- ad ven ture.
- excitement
- new places to see
- brand new friends
- awesome church camp
-like atmosphere of for-real christians
- independence
- freedom
- test of faith
- huuuuuuge growing experience
- new people to learn from
- i get to pump my own gas
- exploration of this beautiful world

BAD THINGS ABOUT MOVING:
- away from family
- strrrrretch of friendships
- NO familiarity
- no portland :(
- lots of money for airfare...and sales tax
- no car
- adjustments beyond all reason
- sadness
- must be entirely self-sufficient
- what if i forget stuff???!!
- basically estrangement in general

but then, there are bad things about not going, too. i would probably miss out on the growing experience of my lifetime, miss out on people i could have met, maybe even the ONE i'm supposed to meet, miss out on ever so much lost adventure, and miss out on that wonderful Jesus-focused atmosphere.

my mom told me the other day that all the other kids at master's are going to be going through the same things as me- coming from far away, moving out for the first time, having to start anew, just like me.

and God will be with me. i know i won't be alone. i'm just scared to be by myself. california is a big place.

i think above most things i'm afraid to lose friends. now, don't just automatically scold me and say that true friends never lose touch blah blah blah. i know that distance tests all things, i think that's one of the reasons why Jesus isn't still here walking around with us. the distance we percieve to be there tests our faith and belief. anyway, long distance is extraordinarily difficult no matter how you slice it. i understand i have myspace and facebook and email and snail mail and the telephone, but i do not like to communicate like that, and that's nobody else's first choice, either.

oh God, this is going to be so hard.

Jesus, i know that if this is where You want me to go, You're going to help me through it the whole way and not strand me 20 hours away from home.

oh Lord, everything i know is coming to and end. i am so terrified, God. i want to go. You've given me a desire to get out and to LEAVE, but i am going to miss my home so much, i'm crying just thinking about it.

every time i think about college and leaving and being alone, God brings to my mind this verse:
"peace i leave with you; my peace i give you. i do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - john 14:27

i know You have not given me more than i can handle, so Jesus, i am trusting this entirely to You. i cannot worry about this anymore. i want to be excited for this new phase in my life, and to be excited for my faith and my self-confidence to grow. i know You will give me peace if this is something i'm to do.

v for vendetta

read this and be awed. some of the best writing ever. and the movie- yeah. it's amazing.

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

yeah. and then try reading it aloud. it is quite a challenge! yay for this movie.

comfort

"The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

-Zephaniah 3:17

trust.

i've been reading in ecclesiasties because i'm writing a paper on existentialism and there are a lot of ties in that book. and i just like tying everything to the Bible. but i found a particularly interesting passage that i'd like to post.

"I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." - ecclesiasties 3:10-11

now, isn't that interesting? so much juice in so few words. from the beginning of time, mankind has wondered about an afterlife, doubting that this life is it. God has put that desire in our hearts, but we can't understand the scope of it at all. we cannot possibly comprehend a world outside of Time and Space, because God created those things for us to exist in. we are always wanting to know, but we can never know. our minds were not meant to understand, only to seek. to seek and to be satisfied with not knowing. how fascinating.

and then there's the part i bolded. this part holds special meaning for me right now. everything God created is made to be beautiful in its time. maybe not right now, probably not tomorrow, but eventually. i can only speak from what i know. i know that girls want so much to be special, to be sought after, to be rescued. it's consuming, even. i'm probably taking the verse far out of context, but i know God put everyone here on purpose. He breathed life into us. and maybe beautiful doesn't necessarily mean aesthetically beautiful, but beautiful on the inside, where it counts. and that sounds remarkably cheesy, but i have come to learn that only that is important, no matter what the world says.

what does the world know, anyway? stupid world.

Lord, give me confidence to be who You designed me to be, no matter what feedback or lack of feedback i recieve from the world. i know i'm here on purpose. forgive me for second-guessing Your plans. thank You that i am not an accident of biology, and that i have plenty of reason to live, if only for You. i praise You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made.

song of the time

i can't say i love You
if there's something i won't do
so i'm packing my bags now
to go to california

some say that we're crazy
got nothing to lose
You won't love me less
no matter which road i choose
You've asked me to go,
so i've only one move

i don't want to leave here
'cause i may never see home
but i won't live by my fears
california

my eyes to the west now
and a heart that won't back down
there's a heart i want back now
california

so hold on, my darlin'
it's going to be bumpy
so buckle in tightly
and go to california

"california" by jason harwell

i think it may have been written for me.

california

well kids, it looks like i'm going to master's. i just got my acceptance letter today, and i am pretty excited about that.

it really is a fabulous school. i was there for a couple days, sleeping in the dorms, going to classes and meeting people, and it seemed to be exactly like camp. everyone is completely in love with Jesus, and they're really friendly and nice. it's a small Bible college, but they've got a fantastic choral program. i'll be a vocal performance major (i think), and i don't know what i'll intend upon doing when i graduate. but that's a whole other topic.

i think moving to california will be THE most stretching experience of my life. leaving everything i've ever known and moving somewhere entirely by myself will be extraordinarily hard for me. no more portland, no more familiar roads and places, and no more seeing family and dear friends. i will be a twenty-hour car ride from home in beautiful southern california.

i am terrified.

what if i never move back? what if i slowly lose contact with my dearest friends in portland? can i really change that much? am i willing to take that risk?

please pray that either i win the lottery or that large amounts of money fall from the sky so that i can go to this wonder college.

God, please give me certainty about this. i'm scared.

march first, 2007

i went all morning without realizing it. it wasn't until i was on the bus on the way to guaranteed start that i remembered. i was sitting by myself watching the rain and listening to emery when it hit me that marcus would have been nineteen today. it is march first, and he doesn't get to turn nineteen. Lord God, why do i get to turn nineteen, and marcus doesn't? it seems so unfair, and i don't understand.

it always takes days like this one to shake me out of myself. i go on "living" in a continuum of time and events and people and places, and i rarely step outside of it. earth is not it. this life is only a part of life. i know with certainty that i will see marcus lloyd bennett again when Jesus comes for me, but i miss him in the meantime. i mean, look at that picture. he was so full of life and humour and empathy. he was annoying and a pest and he rubbed some people the wrong way. he was also one of the most hard-working, caring, willing, and fullest people i knew. and Jesus took him from us. don't misunderstand, i'm not angry with God. i only wish i'd gotten to know him better. isn't that always what people say?

i want to share with you something his grandmother wrote to me in a card after his death. he lived with his grandparents, and he held them in the utmost esteem and respect.
"The morning after our dear Marcus died his alarm went off. I got out of bed to turn it off. Crying, I said to the bed, 'Marcus, you will never wake up in our home again! But this morning you awoke with JESUS!' How we miss him, but we would never wish him back! We can rejoice for Marcus and will see him again!"

i cry every time i read that card. and i still find it incredible that i'll never cringe when i see his name on the caller id again, never get to watch him work on that stupid trail in enterprise, never get to play hockey with him, and never get to sit and talk with him about his chaotic life. but today in heaven, marcus celebrated his ninteenth birthday with Jesus. and it don't get much better than that.

so, take heart. though life seems unfair, God is completely in control. i have already seen good things come of marcus' death though i didn't think that possible. "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"